Haruhi Suzumiya Goes To War
by Theo333
Summary: A mysterious force threatens the well-being of the SOS Brigade, stirring internal strife between the club and the school. However, Haruhi and the rest of her fellow SOS Brigadiers will not go down without a fight.
1. Thoroughly Modern Melancholy

**Haruhi Suzumiya Goes To War**

**Chapter 1: "Thoroughly Modern Melancholy"**

* * *

"_A normal day without anything going wrong, please. Just this once!" _Kyon begged feverishly, while clasping his hands in prayer. He squeezed his eyes shut and gently pressed his forehead flat to the coffee table in front of him.

Kyon had been through this routine almost every single day since the Brigade had been formed by none other than Haruhi Suzumiya; leader, chief, and slave driver of the club. Kyon thought the term "eccentric" was an understatement when applied to her. So were the words "insane" and "psychopath."

Attempting to squeeze his eyes even tighter, Kyon isolated himself from every possible distraction in the SOS clubroom until only his heartbeat and the sound of his breath were heard. Unfortunately, one particularly annoying esper always managed to slip past his mental defenses.

"Ah, Kyon. You've been lapsing into that prayer for approximately an eternity now," Koizumi commented with a smirk, setting aside the magazine he was perusing. "Besides, it's not recommended to pray in a non-religious school, right?"

"Oh, shut up, Itsuki," Kyon's voice was muffled by the thickness of the table, but his bitterness was not. "It couldn't hurt to_ try_,right?"

"The problem is, Kyon, that Haruhi is the only one that can even manifest a _slimmer_ of your wish," Koizumi said, still smiling. "Personally, I'm not much of a religious man, but irregardless, you're just wasting good minutes."

"And that is all I ask for," Kyon replied, abandoning his clasped hands, "a slimmer." Instead, he opted to stick his index fingers squarely inside his eardrums and sing "La, la, la" to himself all day long. Of course, Kyon realized that was a ridiculous way of achieving total silence. He quickly thought of another plan to rid himself of Koizumi's annoying-pitched tone. Kyon shrugged and rolled up his sleeves, preparing to entreat to the heavens again.

"Eh, is something wrong, Kyon?" a timid voice asked.

Kyon's eyes opened and stared into the pupils of the person where the voice had originated.

"It's quite all right, Mikuru", Kyon gave her a reassuring smile. Mikuru returned the friendliness. She picked up a small cup from a nearby tray and offered it to him. Kyon thanked her and sipped gratefully, savoring the bitter aroma on his tongue for as long as possible.

Setting the beverage down and running a hand through his hair, Kyon mulled over what wild goose chase the SOS Brigade Chief had in store for him today. "_Probably nothing too major," _he thought, _"as long as she doesn't do anything drastic, I'll probably come out relatively unharmed-"_

_BAM! THWACK!_

Kyon's eardrums jumped at the sound of the front door having its hinges almost literally ripped off. "_Oh, God, no-", _Kyon barely had time to contemplate before-

"_**YEE-HAAAAA!"**_a high-pitched shriek emerged from the direction of the door frame. There stood Miss Suzumiya in all her glory, grinning from ear to ear and wielding a briefcase akin to a spiked club. She waltzed into the clubroom like a rampaging Viking, swinging the briefcase wildly, nearly taking poor Mikuru's head off in the process. Mikuru had learned to cope with the briefcase and instinctively ducked whenever it came close, but not without covering her head and crying in terror.

"Good afternoon, fellow Brigadiers!" Haruhi cried cheerfully when she appeared at the head of the table. "Good afternoon, Haruhi" Itsuki returned the cheerfulness. "Er, good afternoon, Haruhi", Mikuru whimpered while she nervously poured herbal tea. "Afternoon, Haruhi", the third voice belonging to Nagato, sitting in a corner of the room with her eyes glued to the novel in front of her.

Haruhi slammed the briefcase down on the table with an audible _thud, _making Kyon grimace and massage his ears. He angrily glared up at the ceiling. "_Thanks for **nothing**,"_ he growled. Kyon reluctantly turned towards her. "So, what's on the agenda today, Haruhi?"

Haruhi's head turned to glare balefully at him. "Oy, Kyon! Don't ask such obvious and stupid questions in the presence of the SOS Brigade Chief!" Haruhi snapped at him. "It's quite obvious that today we will continue in our quest to improve the world by locating aliens, time travelers and other various abnormal life forms! Et cetera, et cetera!" Haruhi smirked confidently at him.

Everyday it was the same. Haruhi marched in, slammed her belongings down and declared we search everywhere for her precious aliens and whatnot. Sure, we were allowed to play games and read, but we still had to "search" while performing these various activities. This time, Kyon would try and have a little fun with Haruhi. What could possibly go wrong?

"Well, we've been searching for _any_ sign of aliens…" Kyon cast a sideways glance at Nagato at the corner of the room, "time travelers," he winked at Mikuru, "and 'et cetera'," Kyon narrowed his eyes at Itsuki, "but we still haven't found much pertaining to-"

"_Shut up!" _Haruhi roared at him. She slammed her palms down hard upon the coffee table, making Mikuru spill a few drops of tea. The expression etched on her face seemed to want to hurt him, but her eyes desired to kill him.

Kyon retained his composure and answered in a calm manner. "All I'm saying, Haruhi, is perhaps we should move on to other projects besides this wild goose chase-"

It only took a mere split second for Kyon to regret his words and even less time for him to be jerked out of his seat by a strong hand grasped firmly around his tie. He stood face to face with Haruhi, his face mere centimeters from hers and hot breath flowing down his collar.

He tried to jerk his head to the right, away from her, but Haruhi simply tugged harder on his tie and pulled harder until she whispered softly into his ear.

"Do not _ever _question the orders given to you by the Brigade Chief. If I ever get so much as a whiff of disloyalty from you or _anyone_ here, _very bad things_ will happen." Her words were like poisoned honey.

Kyon felt a sudden release on his shirt and collapsed back into his seat gasping for air. The silence was thick as butter, only interrupted by the flipping of pages by Nagato, who still had her eyes plastered to the book in her hands. Haruhi cast a malevolent stare at Itsuki and Mikuru. Koizumi returned with a passive gaze and a frown while Mikuru simply looked petrified.

Straightening his tie, Kyon thought of a way to amend the situation without anyone being injured. _"All right, judging from that sudden outburst from her, either Haruhi is trying to murder me or deeply cares in maintaining our friendship." _Kyon thought cynically to himself.

_Knock. Knock._

Everyone's heads turned, (even Nagato looked up), towards the door. Kyon squinted and tilted his head to see several shadows moving outside. He sat up and walked towards the door, pressing his ear against the wood. He could only hear muffled whispers and moved his hand towards the doorknob to investigate when he heard something being shoved under his foot. Rapid footsteps could be heard, shuffling down the hall. Glancing downwards, he picked up a small white envelope that had slid under his feet.

"Oh, we have mail!" a cry of excitement came from behind him. Kyon found himself violently shoved to one side and the envelope wrenched from his hands. He spun on his heel and took a glimpse at Haruhi greedily tearing off the cover, gleefully hugging the letter to her chest, slightly more cheerful than her recent mood.

"We haven't gotten _any_ mail since the club was formed!" she exclaimed happily.

"_And you wonder why?" _Kyon silently quipped. "_What person would be crazy enough to send us something other than a debilitating illness?"_

Slowly, she unfolded the slip of paper and read the front. "From the 'Desk of the Student Council'?" Haruhi cocked an eyebrow suspiciously. Her eyes scanned across, up, and down the letter. As she read, the various expressions on her face changed from content to concerned, to her mouth hanging open in shock. Kyon immediately regretted not simply opening the door and bolting from the room.

He observed that the more Haruhi read, the more uncontrollably her hands shook. He had hoped that this particular piece of paper wasn't the fuse that would set off the ticking time bomb.

Oh, how wrong he was.

Gingerly, Haruhi made her way over to Kyon's abandoned seat and slumped backwards into the folding chair, letting the paper slip from her hands and lay face up on the table. Her face was paler than ever, with shoulders sagging and her hair ribbons in a net of tangles. ("_How in the world did that happen?" Kyon thought.)_

Kyon and Itsuki exchanged worried glances. "Haruhi…what seems to be the matter?" Kyon gently asked her. She said nothing, but rather folded her arms and laid her head upon the table face down. A few moments of silence and then a muffled, "Read the letter", emitted from her.

"Oh, come now. What could possibly be so terrible in this letter?" Kyon made an effort to buffer the rising anxiety in his voice.

Kyon saw Haruhi's head shift towards him, her face quivering

Nothing.

"They're terminating us...", she said in a quiet whisper.


	2. The First Stand

**Chapter 2: "The First Stand"**

* * *

Kyon spoke cautiously. "What do you mean by 'terminate' us?"

"Read the letter", Haruhi glared at him coldly.

"Can't you just tell us?"

"_Just read it!"_ she flared up in anger. Haruhi was in no mood to be trifled with. Kyon clenched his teeth and looked downwards. Taking a deep breath, he began:

_Dear Miss Suzumiya and fellow members of the SOS Brigade,_

_Please know that this letter was sent to you only after great consideration and reluctance among the members of the Student Council. As you know, a few months ago this particular club was formed and recognized by a member of yours by the identity of "Kyon.". However, as of today, the Student Council has unanimously voted to disassemble the club on alleged accounts that you have been warned repeatedly for minor infractions on school grounds, and thus the club has become completely unacceptable according to our tolerance code. At the behest of the Student Council, we hereby authorize complete termination and dismantling of the SOS Brigade clubroom and the disbanding of its members. At 3 o'clock sharp tomorrow, the Literary Club room should be completely void off all Brigade related materials. Failure to do so will result in severe repercussions for all club members. Please contact the Student Council if you have any further questions._

_Best wishes, the Student Council_

Below the main body of text was a multitude of signatures that could've belonged to none other than the Council members.

Kyon sighed and handed the paper back to her, helpless in what to say next.

"_'Best wishes'_, those lying idiots!" Haruhi scowled. "They've been planning this coup de tat from the start! _'Minor infractions?' 'Repercussions?'_ You see, Kyon? You see? _This _is why democracy fails! Everyone votes against _me_!"

"Haruhi, maybe there's been a mistake-"

"A mistake! Kyon, did you even look at it? They're trying to ban my club! They're trying to ban _me_!"

"_Well maybe if you haven't been physically harassing Asahina-san all the time, blackmailing people, beating up on others, and actually tried to contribute to society every once in a while, this wouldn't have happened!" _Kyon gave a mental retort.

She snatched the paper from him, stuffed it into her briefcase, and made her way towards the door. "I'm going to have a little 'talk' with the Council", she said, making her way to the door.

"Haruhi, I'm not so sure that's a good idea right now-" Kyon started.

_SLAM!_

Kyon winced as the surface of the door scraped his nose. He stepped back, looked at the others, and shrugged.

"All we can do is wait."

* * *

A few minutes later, the Brigade Chief angrily stomped back into the clubroom. "They've all gone home", she explained, keeping it short and simple. "We should too. First thing tomorrow I'll _really _give them hell."

Everyone stared.

"I said _go home_!" she shouted. As if her words brought them back from the dead, everyone in the room, save Nagato, sprang forward, grabbed their packs and darted out before it became a smoldering wreck. Haruhi slammed the door once again and left Nagato alone, leaving only the fading sun's rays to give her reading light.

"Curious", Nagato said quietly to herself. She snapped the book shut and stood up to leave.

* * *

Outside the school gate, Kyon slapped his forehead in frustration. "Ugh, that was the worst day of my life. How could one letter threaten the destruction of all humanity!"

"Somehow, I knew this day would come, Kyon", Itsuki piped up. "Miss Suzumiya was a ticking bomb from the start. Sooner or later she would snap, lash out, or overreact in some way."

Koizumi kept his footsteps in rhythm with Kyon's, slowly making his way down to the suburbs with him, all the while contemplating the demise of the Brigade.

"I don't believe this. Get rid of the SOS Brigade? The world will become one giant black hole and I won't even be there to laugh in Haruhi's face when she finally gets what's coming to her! Sealed Realities are going to be popping up more than pictures of Mikuru on our website. On top of that, you'll be gone forever-"

"_No, wait, that's a** plus**_", Kyon thought.

"Well, Kyon. If I am going to be destroyed and reincarnated in another dimensional universe, I just wanted to say that…you will be sorely missed among my colleagues. Your sarcastic banter and cynical, yet zany outlook on life has truly been a pleasure", Itsuki replied with a smile.

"Can the sweet talk, Itsuki. As long as we're still alive, how can we keep it that way?" Kyon asked.

"Unfortunately, I have no advice to offer at this time, Kyon, but perhaps we'll discuss this in the afterlife that's soon to come and then I'll have something", Itsuki waved his hand unnecessarily.

"No, Itsuki. There's something rotten here. The Student Council could've dealt with Haruhi months ago, when the _real _problems with the Brigade were rearing their ugly heads. Why _now_? Why this late?"

"I have no answer for that. My deductive reasoning skills are not as advanced as your's, Professor Kyon", Itsuki replied, still smiling.

"_Leave the sarcasm to** me**, you bastard", _Kyon glared at him out of the corner of his eye. "I'm serious, Itsuki. Something's up."

"Kyon, I have to ask you something important."

"Yes?"

"Have you ever read the Old Testament?" Itsuki had stopped walking and turned to face him. Kyon did the same.

"Yes, a few parts. Why?"

"Now for a more personal question", Itsuki continued, "have you ever committed a sin against God?"

"Does living a normal, happy life without the influence of religion count as a sin?" Kyon inquired with a raised eyebrow.

"Technically, yes. But on a much more down-to-Earth allegation, I must be blunt", Itsuki paused for a moment. "Kyon, the fact of the matter is you have not committed a sin against 'God' before today."

Kyon gave him a peculiar look. "I don't think I'm following you."

"Do you know what happens when a person sins against God in the Old Testament?" Itsuki asked.

"They're usually curse, plagued, killed, slaughtered mercilessly?"

"_Exactly_, Kyon. In order to avoid incurring 'God's' wrath, we'll just have to make sure the Student Council or the_ real_ perpetrators behind the attempted beheading of the SOS will 'repent' for their sins against Miss Suzumiya."

"Are you implying that the signatures at the bottom of that document were _forged?" _Kyon was somewhat taken aback.

"Perhaps. Perhaps not, Kyon. You said it yourself that you were suspicious the Council was taking action against us so late. But the best thing we can do now is hope that the letter _was _forged in order to put my plan into action."

"You already have one?" Kyon asked, unsurprised.

"Yes. Just unleash Miss Suzumiya upon them and all will be fixed", Itsuki said with a smile.

"_Only in the Roman Colisseum would that work", _Kyon thought. "What? That's your brilliant plan? That won't solve much. If anything, they'll work three times as hard to get rid of us."

"We're not going to send plagues down from the sky or anything of the sort, Kyon. Just a simple talk and things will go smoothly", Itsuki explained.

"And what about Nagato and Asahina? Do they have any part in this?" Kyon asked.

"I have faith in Miss Suzumiya's abilities to…_persuade _others to bend to her will. Besides, I will personally assist her in this endeavor, so there's no chance of failure! Let's just hope for the best, shall we?" Itsuki replied, completely ignoring Kyon's question.

"Right, hope for the best", Kyon nodded. _"We're doomed",_ he immediately said afterwards.

The duo had reached a street only a few blocks away from Kyon's residence before Itsuki turned towards him.

"Well, this is where we part, Kyon. Do me a favor and repeat what you did today in the clubroom. Pray for our success", Itsuki smiled warmly.

"Will do", Kyon answered back.

As he turned to go home, he heard Itsuki's voice from behind him. "Hey, Kyon!"

"What?"

"Didn't you ride a bike to school today?"

Kyon's eyes widened in horror as he looked back towards the school grounds. The fading rays of sunlight were gone now, with the entire landscape swallowed up by pitch-black darkness.

"_Oh, **shit", **_Kyon thought. _"I think I might've forgotten something…"_


End file.
